Five Hard Lessons People Learn afteEven in an uncontested divorce when both parties are in agreement that they want to end the marriage, divorce is a lot more painful than anyone is prepared for. In the ultimate polar opposite of the wedding day filled with flowers, smiles, kisses and well wishes from family and friends, divorce can leave each party feeling alone. Instead of a ceremony, there is a transaction between attorneys and with the stroke of a pen and a bang of a gavel it is over. Divorces often get initiated in the heat of the battle, but when the battle is over and every detail of the divorce from dividing marital assets, to deciding parenting time, child support and spousal support has been resolved, many people emerge from the experience with regrets.

Over the course of many years of helping clients navigate the challenging divorce process, we have heard some of our clients express a few surprises about ending their marriages, even when they thought – or knew – it was a necessary step. Here are just a few that we have heard over the years:

  1. Divorce did not lead to happiness. A lot of couples choose to divorce because they believe that their partner is the thing standing in the way of their happiness. Sometimes this is true; sometimes it is not. Even couples who are, in all honesty, better off being divorced still find they are unhappy after it is over. If you fall in this category, you may wish to find a counselor or therapist who can help you work through these feelings, to discover what it is that can lead you to happiness.
  2. Less spite would have been better. That urge to “get revenge” on a former spouse can be strong in contested divorces. The aftermath of it, however, can be devastating to clients and their families alike. If you are in the middle of a divorce proceeding, or are thinking about ending your marriage, take a deep breath and really consider whether or not you want or need what you are asking for, or if you are asking for it to be spiteful. Letting go of that feeling can be very freeing, and it could help ease the process along.
  3. The kids are not all right. Whether your child is 2 or 22, divorce is going to impact their lives. Some children may adjust more easily, but it is still an adjustment. You will face a lot of questions. You may have feelings of intense sadness or guilt or anger. If you and your spouse ended your marriage because you thought it would be healthier for your children, please know that your children might not be old enough to understand that – and they might not agree with you. Family counseling could help everyone address their feelings in a more productive way.
  4. It did not stop the fighting. We hear this one a lot. Many people think that because they are fighting so much, they should end their marriage. The get divorced but the fighting continues. Is many cases, this is because the fighting is not the problem; it is a symptom of an underlying issue. Rooting out the cause could help both you and your ex. If the fighting was physical, however, you may need to take legal steps to keep yourself and your children safe.
  5. “I no longer know who I am.” We saved this one for last because it is so, so common. We spend our lives being defined by other people: John’s daughter, Mike’s brother, Jane’s best friend, etc. Then we become So-and-So’s wife or husband, and it is easy to feel lost when that is no longer the case. This can be disorienting, but it can also be very freeing. Taking the time to explore who you want to be when you are not part of a couple can help with the other four “surprises” on this list.

If you are contemplating divorce, there are some things you can do right now to increase your chances of reaching the best outcome possible. One of the most important steps is to hire a skilled Nashville divorce attorney. Please contact the knowledgeable legal team at Miller Upshaw Family Law, PLLC to reserve an in-person or video consultation time.