If you divorced while your child was young, the custody arrangements you made with your child’s other parent were appropriate for the child’s needs at that age. But now as your child has grown into a “tween” (ages 9 to 12) or teenager, those needs will have changed significantly. It might be time to revisit the custody agreement as your growing child begins to grow and branch out more on their own.

The middle years of becoming a tween and then a teen is an intense time of development and changes. In the midst of these physical, emotional and psychological changes, what children need most is the feeling of being grounded in a dependable relationship with their parents. Children need boundaries and a strong foundation so that they can, in turn, push those boundaries as they gradually grow beyond feeling tied to their parents. But, when things go sideways, they still need that strong foundation of home to come back to and to feel nurtured and cared for by both parents.

The importance of planning and communication

Tweens or pre-teens may begin to get involved in more extra-curricular activities that place greater demands on their time. They have sports activities, after-school projects and classes that might begin to conflict with the existing parenting time arrangements. A teen might get an after-school job, or they may need to travel for sporting events on weekends. These often impromptu schedule changes will require a bit of flexibility on the part of both parents in order to make life work smoothly.

As tweens and teens begin to build a life of their own outside of their home, the importance of communication between the parents about their child’s activities increases. For example, one parent might assume that the child will come with them to a family event on a certain date, while the child has already made plans to attend a sporting event on that date. While each parent certainly has the right to strictly enforce the terms of the Parenting Plan as to when they see their child, this can build up a lot of resentment in the child, and can make the parent enforcing their rights under the Parenting Plan seem like the “bad guy.” This is the point at which effective communication and cooperation between the parents is critical. There is typically nothing in a Parenting Plan which prohibits parents from accommodating their child’s preferences from time to time, not to mention the other parent’s reasonable requests regarding changes in the residential schedule.

Consistent rules and consequences

Here is another sticking point that can be the source of a conflict as a child with divorced parents gets older. The two parents have vastly divergent approaches to discipline, which can create confusion and provide an opportunity for a savvy teen to play one parent against the other. As kids begin to have expanded freedom such as when they begin to stay over at friends’ homes, attend sleep-away camp, and get their drivers’ licenses, they need to have a clear understanding of what is right, what is wrong and a basic moral underpinning. When co-parents can come together on such issues as setting a curfew, rules for conduct at home, chores and other responsibilities around the house, the child will not have any question about what is expected of them with regard to their behavior.

Modifying the existing custody order

If you feel like it is time to actually modify the custody order, you may want to have a discussion with a Nashville family law attorney about whether your situation actually warrants a change in the parenting plan as opposed to coming to an agreement between the parties without going to court. In Tennessee, in order for the court to modify an existing custody order, there must be a “material change in circumstances.” What makes a change “material” is open to interpretation, but an experienced child custody attorney can advise you about how you might make your situation work better for all concerned, or if it is to the point where you need the court to resolve the differences.

As your child grows into their teen years and their needs change, it might be time to revisit custody arrangements. You may want to have a conversation with a Nashville divorce attorney who has helped many Nashville families create and revise a workable plan that has supported their needs. Please call 615-391-4200 or use our contact form to reserve your consultation with the dedicated legal team at Miller Upshaw Family Law, PLLC.