When your vision of a happy family life and home has faded into a battle over marital assets, alimony and parenting plans, it might seem like you will never be able to see your former spouse as anything but an enemy. But both parents have a responsibility to learn to communicate like mature adults so that your children can emerge from your divorce as emotionally healthy and secure as possible.

We have helped countless families work through the divorce process and we have learned a few things about what it takes to develop or maintain communication between the former spouses and the kids. Here are a few things to consider when you are trying to find a new way to relate to one another after the divorce:

1. Get help for yourself first. You can’t help your child get through this difficult time if you are wallowing in pain. Talk to a counselor and get some guidance on healthy ways to get through the pain and grief before you try to help your child.
2. Work out how you and your ex will communicate with one another. Even if your divorce was a pitched battle, if you are going to be successful co-parents, you must find a way to put your differences and your emotions and your grudges aside for the sake of your children. You are never going to change your ex-spouse. The only thing you can change is how you relate to that person. Modeling a healthy, evolved relationship for your children is an excellent first step towards moving on with your lives.
3. Communicate the right way with your kids. Let them know what is going on with only age-appropriate details. Assure them that you are available to talk whenever they want to talk. Do not disparage your spouse in front of your children and don’t force them to choose sides.
4. Stick to the parenting plan. In Tennessee, divorcing parents are required to create a permanent parenting plan that will govern how to best meet the child’s needs now and into the future. The parenting plan contains all of the information about the child’s life including their educational, health, social, religious and recreational needs. It also details visitation schedules, vacation schedules, details of pick-up and drop-off locations and times. Children need structure in order to feel secure. Adhering to the guidelines set forth in the parenting plan gives your kids a reliable foundation.
5. Respect your ex-spouse’s relationship with their children. Regardless of how you feel personally about your former spouse, allow your children to have their relationship with their other parent. Your child’s other parent has the right to be in contact with the kids, send mail and packages to their children, receive notice when they are ill or hospitalized and receive information from the children’s school about their grades and conduct unless otherwise determined by a judge for reasons of safety. They must have access to the child’s health records and receive with at least 48 hours’ notice information about the child’s school and extracurricular events and activities.

In the end you want to make sure that your children do not feel any fault in the breakup of the marriage. You want them to feel safe and secure in their new living arrangements and you want to set a healthy example for them to follow in their lives.

Parents who are facing a tough custody battle need a strong advocate who will fight for their interests. The legal team at the Nashville law firm of Miller Upshaw Family Law, PLLC, has the experience to guide you through this difficult time in your family’s life. Contact us to learn more.