There was probably a lot of eye rolling when the news came out about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announcing their impending divorce as more of a “conscious un-coupling.” We might think of this as an attempt at a kinder, gentler divorce rather than the adversarial “war of the Roses” that celebrity divorces often resemble. Whether you’re a hot celeb couple deciding to call it quits or a regular everyday American family with 2.5 kids, divorce holds the potential for being one of the most painful, contentious times in a family. It also holds the potential for paving the way for a new way of communication between the divorcing parties that can make the divorce process much less bumpy.

We’ve put together some basic tips that can help parents who are divorcing communicate more effectively with one another and their children as they all navigate this challenging process of reconfiguring their family and their lives:

  1. Set an intention to use positive communication during your divorce.
  2. It only takes one person to make a commitment to positive communication. Your soon-to-be-former spouse will most likely fall in line when they witness your willingness to take the high road and not engage in adversarial behavior.
  3. Listen more than you speak. Listen to what your ex-partner has to say. Listen to your children as they talk about their concerns. Listen also for what they are not saying and encourage them to speak about whatever is on their minds, which leads nicely into the next tip–
  4. Be open to talking when your children are ready to talk. Don’t ambush your child and decide that this is the time when we are going to have a talk. Create a climate where they feel comfortable coming to you when they are ready by not putting them off when they approach you and want to talk.
  5. Decide whether you want to be right or be happy.  The willingness to compromise will bring far more peace than the determination to be right at any cost.
  6. Set aside finding fault or punishing the other party. Finding fault, placing blame, wanting to make the other party pay for the pain you feel only fuels the fires of conflict.
  7. Co-parenting takes commitment and patience and sometimes professional help. You are divorcing because you could not make your marriage work, but when you have children together you will be stuck with each other for the long haul, so you’ve got to find a way to co-parent effectively. Be willing to get professional help when it comes to working out the details about how you will work as a team to parent your child. Your Nashville family law attorney can help you work with your co-parent to develop a parenting plan that takes into consideration the best interest of your child and their well-being.
  8. What happens in your co-parent’s house should stay in your co-parent’s house. Don’t force your children to tell you about what goes on in their other parent’s household, who they are spending time with or what they are spending money on.
  9. Remember that your words and actions set an example for your children. Divorce itself is not what devastates children, it’s how their parents handle re-orienting their lives, how they communicate with one another, and how they accommodate the needs of the child that sets the tone for how the divorce will impact their lives.
  10. Don’t allow your divorce to be a cautionary tale. Decide instead that it can be a teachable moment both for you and your children.  Half the marriages in this country end in divorce. That means that almost everyone you know has been felt the pain of divorce in one way or another. Why not make yours one that is held up as an example of how two people can end their marriage and establish new lives apart without devastating each other and their children?